The rules of relationships aren't simple, but having a set of mutual "rules" in place—especially when your brand of romance is a polyamorous relationship—is one smart way to keep your love life a bit less complicated.
I put "rules" in quotes because, let's be real, no one wants to be held to strict expectations or standards in matters of love. These rules are more like guidelines for you and your partners to go over at the start of and throughout your relationship, and they ensure that you’ll have the necessary measures in place to set and stick to boundaries across all parties.
"The more people in a relationship, the greater the chance of complications because you're dealing with more feelings."
Why does that matter? In a polyamorous relationship, where three or more people maintain an emotionally (and typically physically) intimate relationship with each other, things can get messy fast. The more people in a relationship, the greater the chance of complications because you're dealing with more feelings, explains Jane Greer, PhD, New York-based relationship and family therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
And while polyamory can be great for some—it allows partners to explore relationships with other people in order to fulfill emotional needs that their partners might not, after all—it can trudge up feelings of neglect that could drive you and at least one of your partners apart.
So whether you're just intrigued by the idea of polyamory or are already in a committed throuple yourself, consider these 8 rules your roadmap to a happy, healthy, three-way (or four-way! or five-way!) relationship:
1. Establish how much you want to share with each other.
Even if you're down with sharing lovers, if you are the jealous type, you’re not going to want to hear about what your girlfriend ate at dinner with her other girlfriend, or how much fun your boyfriend had at the wine bar with the third person in your throuple.
You might prefer your partner simply say they're "going out" when they have a date with someone else and leave it at that. And when it comes to deets about you, tell your partner straight-up whether you're comfortable with her discussing your intimate moments with someone else.
Whether or not you love gushing about your unique relationship, you don't want to share everything with the outside world. Keeping certain things private preserves the moments that are just for you and your partner (think: trips, dates, movies)—it keeps them feeling special and intimate, says Greer.
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2. Make time for just the two of you.
Speaking of those special and intimate one-on-one moments: If you're in a polyamorous relationship where one partner is your main person, “be clear about the things you will share with each other in terms of activities or things that are meaningful to both of you,” says Greer, and keep them that way.
Let's say you and your most significant other always go to the same restaurant on your anniversary. Tell him you’d like to reserve that place and the tradition for the two of you, instead of bringing another partner there, as that would make it mean less to you.
(Psst...You have every right to make some "territorial" claims, as long as you approach them in a mature, nonconfrontational manner.)
3. Set boundaries.
If you and, say, your fiancé are dating another couple, when you’re not together as a quad, respect the times your fiancé has set aside to be with your girlfriends and make sure he does the same for you.
You might even want to reserve certain nights for dates made up of every variation of your relationship: Dinner as a quad Sunday through Wednesday, Thursdays for your fiancé and your girlfriend, Fridays for you and your fiancé, and so on, so that you know not to blow up your fiancé’s phone during the nights he’s spending time with someone else. (This'll encourage him and the rest of your group to show you the same courtesy.)
4. Respect your partner’s partners.
All relationships call for balance, but ones involving multiple people do even more so, says Greer. One way to keep yours on solid ground? "Respect your partner’s choice in other partners," she emphasizes.
If you go down the Mean Girl route, your negativity might drive your partner away, or it might convince them that you’re not cut out for the relationship you agreed to, one where you're not your partner’s focus at all times.
Let me be clear: This doesn’t mean you have to be cheerleader for your partner’s other relationships—keeping a respectful distance is a good option, too—but you’d do well to focus on your own relationship and its success.
5. Keep your expectations realistic.
Of course, Greer doesn’t assume you can see into the future and predict breakups, but since multiple personalities, temperaments, and preferences are involved in your polyamourous relationship, your best bet is to remember that you and your partners might not live happily ever after—just like people in monogamous relationships might not.
Being open to the idea of rapid change will soften the blow if and when things suddenly shift. Perhaps your partner "randomly" decides they'd like to be monogamous with their other partner and breaks up with you, or you realize you're no longer feeling your current partners. No shame, but best to protect your heart by keeping an open dialogue with it.
6. Maintain constant and open communication.
Because of how quickly the setup of a relationship can change, it’s especially important for you and your partners to let each other know the moment you’re not into the relationship anymore, when you’re no longer happy being with them, or when you’re thinking of starting a relationship with someone new (if that’s something you’ve decided to share per rule #1).
If you don’t, you might feel trapped in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship. And that's never a good thing. Even if you're happy with one person in your poly relationship but not another, that still counts as an unhappy relationship, btw.
7. Make the most of your me-time.
Learning how to be alone is just as important as making time to spend with your partners, says Greer. When your partner is off with their partner, you’ll have to find ways to feel fulfilled when you’re left on your own—and I don't mean by wasting your time wonder about what your partner is doing.
Instead, use these moments to catch up with friends, clean out that hallway closet you’ve been avoiding for months, take yourself out to dinner, go to Flywheel, or sign up for an art class.
8. Consider your motivations and your partner’s.
Keep in mind that polyamory only works when everyone is on board with it. So if your (formerly only) partner expresses interest in a three- or four-way relationship because they're feeling suffocated by monogamy or they think it will enhance your sex life, for example, don't just give them the green light because you don’t want to lose them.
You should only move forward with a polyamorous relationship if you're truly open and willing to give it a try—for you.
However, if you’re totally against the idea of non-monogamy, agreeing to letting others into your relationship in an effort keep your partner around becomes a recipe for a disastrous breakup.
If you're a traditionalist and you just can't fathom being happy when your partner is happy with someone else too, you might want to put down this rulebook entirely...and go back to the type of romance that makes you feel loved, supported, and appreciated.
In the end, a quality of a relationship matters way more than the quantity of it.
Aryelle Siclait
Editor
Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She's a Boston College graduate and lives in New York.
