““It's hard not being able to find stories that I relate to. But someone said, ‘Maybe you're just going to have to be that story for someone else’.”
For the most part, however, ‘Traumatic Livelihood’ is a raw document of Bean’s singular life, of overcoming their past and carving out a new future. “It's a very weird experience,” they admit. “It's hard not being able to find stories that I relate to. But someone said to me: ‘Maybe you're just going to have to be that story for someone else’. That was a really hard pill to swallow.”
There’s the mournful ballad ‘Black Dress’, which Bean says is about their time adjusting to being sober after rehab, looking back on their old friends. “That’s about how weird it is being finally on the outside and watching everything that I was just in from this whole different lens,” they say. “It feels so different. It came from the heart, but I think it came from a judgmental place on the struggling addict, feeling like I was higher up because I got out of it. But I’m just like them, except I got to go to rehab.”
There are also songs that hint at the aftermath of what Bean went through as a teenager. Recently they attempted to pursue a legal case, to no avail. “The courts absolutely failed me,” they say, resigned. “They had so much evidence, and it’s a very extreme situation of grooming that happened to me. I had pictures, everything to prove it. And they just said that your evidence is not viable in court. They just put a restraining order on it and let him back into the world. That was a really hard one to get through this year.”
As such, there are complicated emotions that they’ve been left with, which they address on the soaring, grand ‘Stockholm Butterfly’, where they outright sing: “Part of me wishes you’d die / My inner child would crack a smile”.
“It's quite a harsh thing to wish death on someone,” they admit. “But for me it was like, I just wish that you would die so that I wouldn't have the option to have you on this earth and be left with that. And also, so no one else gets to experience you, because the victims are plentiful. No one’s story is taken seriously enough by the legal system for it to matter. I had the most extreme story out of everyone and they didn't take me seriously. So why would the other victims come forward?”
Bean has hinted at the situation over the years, but struggled to find a way to address it. “I've never really understood the right way to open up about it online,” they say. “Because I don't know the right terms to use.” It was also partially about how to communicate the outcome; Bean felt a certain amount of pressure to adhere to a specific narrative. “They kind of just said, ‘If you take this to court, it's not going to work out for you – allow us to do a restraining order and move on with your life’,” they say. “And that felt very like, now I can't share my story because it's not this heroic thing. But it doesn't have to be a hero story.
“Sometimes that story can be: this serial molester, and serial groomer is still out in the world, and the system failed me,” they continue. “But in my mind, I thought I was going to have this big victory story. Yes, he's in jail! Everyone rejoice! Now I can post an Instagram picture explaining this thing that I vaguely talk about all the time, but I never quite talk about. So when my case fell through, I just felt like, this is going be my little secret forever.”
‘Traumatic Livelihood’, then, is Jazmin Bean’s way of finally putting their story out in the world. “I didn't understand what PTSD really was,” they say. “We see it in films and it's this whole flashback moment, but it's not like that, I've come to discover. I'm only just now realising that it works in many different ways. It's been weird just not knowing how to open up about it. And music was the one way in that time of trying to get through that.
“I'm hoping someone can listen to it and it will help them,” they conclude. “I know how hard it is.”
‘Traumatic Livelihood’ is out 23rd February via Island Records/ Interscope.
If you - or someone you know - has been affected by the topics discussed in this article, you can seek help and support by visiting the following websites: napac.org.uk / survivorsuk.org / victimsupport.org.uk / samaritans.org
Tags:Jazmin Bean, News, Features, In Deep
